What I Left Behind by Jacqueline Ward

Author:Jacqueline Ward [Ward, Jacqueline]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Bloodhound Books

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

The whole SMIT suite falls silent as the call is relayed with a two-second delay through the huge speakers. The Red Shoes. The rhythmic reading, a deep male voice continues, and I try again.

‘Is there anything you want to tell me? The little girl, Maisie, is she with you? She’s called Maisie.’

But it’s just cars passing by and the occasional rattle of a lorry.

‘Don’t be afraid. We’ll help you all we can. We just want to get Maisie back to her mum.’

The call is ended and there’s a scramble to analyse it. Lauren hurries over.

‘Do you think that was him? Do you think that was the perp?’

I spin around. ‘Him? Why him?’

She narrows her eyes. ‘Well, I don’t believe a woman would take a child. The probability is that it’s a man. And the chemicals. And Magellan. It all points to…’

‘A man? Fuck off, Lauren. You’re being too subjective. Just because you wouldn’t do it doesn’t mean any woman wouldn’t.’

She stands her ground. ‘Would you? Well, would you, Jan? Even though you’re not a mother and you could never understand, no matter how much you say you do, how it feels to hold your own child.’

I’m back in the car park with my brown suitcase. The car is empty. My hand is on the car door handle and I push myself to open it and throw the suitcase onto the seat. Instead of starting the car and driving away I get out and stretch. I stare at the suitcase through the window for a long time, then lock the car and walk away.

I stare at her, my breath shallow. I know my skin will be flushed and my pupils will have narrowed to pinpricks. My body temperature will have raised a fraction and my pulse is quickening. Depending on how perceptive Lauren is, she will see this too and, depending on what her real motive is, she will stop baiting me with this line. I don’t want to talk about my personal life to anyone on the team. It weakens you, makes you vulnerable. It gives anyone who has the slightest inkling of a disliking for you ammunition. I know that other women see me, even at my young age, single and childless, as some kind of poor lonely soul, but it suits me. The freedom, the ability to take off when I feel like it. I have my reasons. Lauren will never understand this. So, I decide to take another direction.

‘Like I said before, yesterday at the Lewises’, it doesn’t matter what you and I think. It’s dangerous ground, that subjective position. Whether I would or you would abduct a child is not the issue. The issue is what the evidence tells us and if it is remotely possible. And if you want to get personal, I’ll explain to you once again how I do my work. I’m a trained profiler. I’m trained in reflexivity. I know my own biases and push them into the background when I make decisions.

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